Saturday, March 10, 2007

Pelosi to Witness Mayan Priests Sacrifice Virgins after Bush Visit

Guatemala City, March 10. A group of Mayan Priests accompanied by American Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) today announced that the Priests would sacrifice two virgins to the Mayan Gods on an altar at Iximche, a holy archeological site. Saying that the “spirit guides of the Mayan community” had informed the community’s leaders that the holy place needed to be cleansed of “bad spirits” and that two virgins would be required. The ritual sacrifice will be carried out soon after Bush’s Presidential visit on Monday and will be witnessed by the American legislative leader who sounded eager to see how such a ritualistic cleansing takes place.

Speaker Pelosi stated that she has been trying to rid her office of “bad vibes” ever since a Bush visit early this year, “we’ve tried everything from a Shaman to Wavy Gravy and nothing will rid those offices of that curse.” Stating that although her grandchildren describe the offices as having “cooties”, a few of her employees “have actually found numerous vortexes in the storage room.” Speaker Pelosi also complained that San Francisco heartthrob and former Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir won’t “come within two miles” of her office. Pelosi referred to last month's Guitar Fanatic Magazine interview in which Mr. Weir complained of being harassed by the late Jerry Garcia and the late Bill Graham for his “lame-ass beard” while visiting with the Speaker in her office. Speaker Pelosi also played down the possible use of virgins in her office cleansing by repeatedly reminding the gathered reporters that her office “is in no way a holy place.”

Warning: the above is satire! I hope.

The above piece was inspired by this Washington Post article reporting that Mayan Priests will perform a ritual cleansing (btw, no virgins were mentioned in the article) after the Bush visit on Monday.

Hat Tip: Drudge.

Thanks to the wonderful Dr. Sanity for inclusion in this weeks Carnival of Insanities.

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